lover... friend... stranger...

by Gilly Blais


 Do you look both ways before you cross my mind? I only ask because I haven’t seen you in a while. I wonder if perhaps I missed you. I forget to look both ways sometimes. I know you were never as reckless as I was. always giving my heart away with little thought of consequence. Never looking before leaping. unlike you. Don’t you know looking will make you fear the fall? When you walked out, you left behind more than you took. Promises you couldn’t carry... or didn’t want to. I don’t know. If I had a map to get across your mind, I’d walk there, you know? because I haven’t seen you around here in awhile... and I wonder if you’ll come back again someday? Perhaps when the weather’s nicer? I don’t know if you will, but I tell myself that deep down you want to. Even if you won’t. It’s easier to believe. For my heart. My shattered heart.

Have you seen its pieces, by the way? I only ask because many I have yet to find. Most have not yet been collected. Last I saw my heart, it was hanging by a thread. Much like the rest of me. Before the wreckage. Before pieces had truly become pieces. When it was still recognizable as my own. whole. Long before the breaking. The scattering... which, happened around the same time.

Can you recall seeing anything matching this description? I only ask because I have a feeling I am the only one searching. and because I fear I might soon run out of time. Experts say the longer anything stays missing, the smaller the chances it ever returns. My heart. Now a cold case.  

Funny isn’t it? How something so essential, so valuable becomes so disposable? All because a person wills it so. As if any human being possesses the right to determine Its significance? To trample it? A human heart.

Do you know how that happens? How at any minute, somebody can just decide it is no longer worthy of receiving decency, and tenderness, and care? How it is as if that heart had not belonged to anyone before him? Not even the person whose body it resides in? How it is as if, from that moment forward, it is less important than it once was? As if it is somehow no longer responsible for sustaining a life? I only ask because it makes no sense to me. how in the end, we only seem to love a heart as much as is to our benefit. As much as we can take. How easily the rest can be forgotten. Even after all of the loving. The giving. How the loss means so little next to the possibility of gaining more.  

Do you think that more is just a trap? That there is only more until there is even more? Until the more you thought was more is no longer enough? I do. I’m sorry... I know you hate it when I babble... and speak too philosophically. I think you think I talk too much.

I think you should have talked more. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so broken, and scattered, and lost, and confused. Really, really confused. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have so many questions. Questions need answers, you know? More than I need you. which was a lot. Maybe one day you’ll find them. The answers, and maybe i’ll find my missing pieces, too. Maybe I won’t have to wonder forever if perhaps I missed you. I do. for the record. Miss you. and I hope you’ll cross my mind again sometime. Perhaps when the weather is nicer. Maybe by then, I’ll have remembered to look both ways. Maybe you’ll have learned to be a little more reckless. Maybe we’ll wave from across the street. Smile because we haven’t seen each other for a while. and I won’t have to ask. Because i’ll just know.